JoAnn (pictured above)

Note from Dean Hale: For years when I was actively using I thought I was only hurting myself. When I decided to feature stories about “the impact on others” for this issue, I asked my mom if she would share her story about how my addiction affected her. Here it is…

IA: How would you describe your son as a child? School, sports, hobbies?

JoAnn: As a little kid he used to go to the park and collect rocks. He used to fill his pockets with rocks. School was a place to socialize for Dean. He didn’t really apply himself. I remember he’d pick out a book for a book report based on the number of pages it had. In middle school he played soccer, was in the band and chorus for a bit but not long. He loved collecting matchbox cars, police cars, stamps and hats. As he got to his early teens he really liked music, listening to it, playing it and becoming a DJ. When he was about 14 his behavior got bad. The older he got the more crazy things got. He was a “wild child.”

IA: Did you ever see signs (behavior) or anything else that would lead you to believe your son was using drugs?

JoAnn: He was a DJ at a “Gentlemen’s Club” and making more money than myself or my husband and had nothing to show for it. What I thought was his outgoing personality was not. He didn’t come around much and when he did he didn’t stay long.

IA: When did you FIRST realize your son had a drug problem?

JoAnn: In March I got a phone call at work from someone telling me he jumped off a bridge and was in Albany Medical Center. I didn’t know if he would be alive by the time I got there. I called my husband who was taking classes at Hudson Valley and had to leave a message telling him it wasn’t an emergency but to meet me there. (How do you tell someone, “Oh by the way our son may be dead.”?). I got to Albany Medical Center and finally found out they had transferred him to CDPC (Capital District Psychiatric Center). Dave, my husband, had made it so we arrived to see our son in a state I had never seen anyone in. Dean thought the room was bugged and would only sip a drink out of the cap after I had taken a drink first. Months after that incident I got another call (after thinking he was “clean”) that he had taken a lot of cocaine and a friend was afraid to leave him alone. When I got there he was alone and surprisingly, he let me in. (There were times, previously, when he had refused to open the door or answer the phone.) He agreed to let me take him to the hospital and all the way insisted someone was following us, completely paranoid and out of reality. It was at that time he was admitted to Four Winds and then voluntarily to McPike. We didn’t see or speak for about a year. I would call him and he never returned calls. I figured he needed to sort things out. As long as he was safe I was ok, hurt but ok.

IA: Can you now recognize any denial on your part or his part?

JoAnn: I thought his drug addiction was an emotional/mental illness for some time. When I realized he was using, there were periods of time when I thought he stopped and it was that simple. Dean thought he could handle anything and had all the right answers that people wanted to hear. My father told me Dean was on drugs long before I knew/believed it. I had a half-brother whom I never met, but he had many addictions. My response to my dad was not to judge my child because of his.

IA: How did your son's addiction affect you emotionally? Physically? Spiritually? Financially?

JoAnn: I run on emotions and emotionally it had a huge effect on me. I often felt like someone had ripped out my soul. Physically, I imagine, there were some effects. Spiritually, I did a lot of praying for him to be safe. Those were not days I would wish on anyone. It strained my relationship with my husband. Whenever the phone would ring say after 10:00 pm, I got so I got a sick feeling not knowing if it was a hospital, police or the morgue.

IA: What was the hardest part of seeing your son addicted?

JoAnn: The hardest part was once I realized how he was living and didn’t want/wouldn’t accept any help.
His behavior was unpredictable. I knew that he was in pain, but I also believed at this point he had to hit bottom and had to want to get help. I couldn’t talk to him. He was belligerent, disrespectful and would simply not stay in touch. The cleanliness of his apartments said everything about how he was doing.
He told me not long ago that he ate condiments so he would have money for drugs. I had and would have still gotten groceries for him but not money.

IA: Did you ever think he would not make it or die?

JoAnn: Yes, absolutely. I thought one day I might be burying my son. I was grateful that as each timeline passed he was still alive. He turned 18, then 21 and each year was a gift.

IA: What changes have you seen since he got help?

JoAnn: He’s always been compassionate even though he used say, “I don’t care. He/she isn’t me.” I see more of the good traits- more compassion and caring and I trust him enough to give or loan him money. I remember, more than once, him yelling profanities or slamming the door just to call and apologize 15 minutes later. Now you can have a conversation with him. Before it was like you knew your child was in there somewhere but it was not the person in front of you. My feelings have gone from hurt, worried, hopeless and grief to feeling more secure and comfortable and having confidence in him. He’s not perfect but it is what it is and I can deal with that. Oh, yes, I have always loved him and I still do. I am proud of what he has done for himself and is doing for others mostly because he has been there and come back.

IA: Are you afraid he will relapse? Why or why not?

JoAnn: I am not afraid but hopeful that he won’t. I don’t think he will. He seems to be doing something he truly believes in and wants to try and help as many people as he can. I think he’s strong enough to stay away from situations that he has little control over and he is not ashamed to talk about where he has been and where he is. I think as the song goes, he can see clearly now the rain/pain is gone.

IA: What is the best part of having a son in recovery?

JoAnn: I can’t describe it but I have always felt a special bond with my son and I have seen him in such pain and to see him not living with the “demons” is a much better feeling. I have seen him come so far and he believes in himself. That I, my husband and my dad have seen the change is a relief and that if tomorrow were my last day on Earth, I know he would be okay.

IA: What advice do you have for other mothers/parents?

JoAnn: Don’t think that lack of money or anything else is an excuse for not believing your child could be involved in drugs or alcohol. Don’t think that behaviors like when they tell you to leave them alone or when they stop talking, are always normal rebellion. Educate yourself about drugs and the effects. The signs got by me. I didn’t think that, as a teenager, he had the money to spend on drugs. I could tell if someone was drunk but signs of being on coke went right over my head until it was so bad that it didn’t get by me anymore.