Spotlight Story: Apart But Still Affected

Janice (pictured above)

In a past issue of INSIDE ADDICTION: The Magazine we spoke with Peggy, “The Wife of an Alcoholic.” The show entitled, Unhappily Ever After, available online to watch at www.youtube.com/InsideAddiction, was viewed by another woman, an ex-wife of an alcoholic. She reached out to us to share her story and to tell us how it’s not really over “when it’s over” and how the impact and effects long outlast broken vows- you can divorce the person but not the disease. Let us introduce you to Janice.
IA: You’ve been apart for many years but let’s go back to the beginning when you first met your ex. How did you meet?

JANICE: I saw him cruising the streets. I was a teenager. My friends knew him and introduced us to each other. At that time I believe I was 17 and he was 25. I was hanging out with an older crowd.

IA: What was it that attracted you to him?

JANICE: He was cool. He had a hot car. It was a 1966 Chevelle SS. It was blue with a black top. He had long hair. He was tall and slender. He was funny.

IA: So you got together?

JANICE: Yes, we dated for three months. I was still in high school.

IA: How did the relationship progress?

JANICE: I was living at home but within three months I moved out of my parents and in with him. It was 12th grade. I wanted to get married. I didn’t want to shack up. We got married nine months after we moved in together. Two years later we had our daughter.

IA: When did you realize your husband was an alcoholic?

JANICE: It actually took a while. My father was an alcoholic too but I wasn’t able to recognize the same behaviors as my dad in my husband yet somehow, some way, I was attracted to someone who was just like my father. I should have known when I wasn’t allowed to name our daughter. He insisted on her name. Period. He picked out where we were going to live, the furniture, everything.

IA: When did you start seeing signs?

JANICE: He was never physically abusive, just emotionally. He began pushing my friends away. He was very controlling; he was always coming and going. I never knew when he’d be around but I was expected to always be around waiting for him. He worked out of town a lot, sometimes three to four days at a time. I never knew when he would be home. The honeymoon was over. One time I came home and he had sold my car. A friend had bought me the car and whether he was jealous or what, he sold it and bought me a different one.

IA: Fast forward. You get divorced two years after your daughter is born thinking he didn’t love you when actually, being an alcoholic, he couldn’t even love himself. How has this affected you even after you are no longer together?

JANICE: At the beginning I had to work three jobs just to make ends meet. I delivered newspapers, I delivered car parts for $2 an hour, and I worked for tips as a bartender. I continued to see him for awhile after the divorce for our daughter’s sake- usually once a week for visitation. Looking back now I should have never let my daughter go with him in that kind of shape.

IA: How did it affect your daughter?

JANICE: As our daughter got older he came around less. He was getting sicker and sicker. By the end of her high school he was completely absent. My daughter was able to separate herself from her father. I guess I couldn’t.

IA: But at one point he drifted back into your lives?

JANICE: His other now ex-wife contacted me. She had also had a child with him. That was our common bond. She told me he was in detox and he had become homeless. It was 10 years ago and 33 years since I’d seen him last.

IA: What did you do?

JANICE: We drove him to a rehab in Vermont. He had been in and out of psych centers for many years at that point.

IA: So you don’t hear from him for some time again after that?

JANICE: I got into therapy to help myself then about five years ago I was driving down the street and saw him. His clothes were torn up and he had a bag of cans he was returning to the store to buy a loaf of bread for something to eat. This was my daughter’s father.

IA: Did he come back into your life again?

JANICE: I want my daughter to be able to have a relationship with her father. My father was an alcoholic. He died when he was 54 so I know what it’s like. Even if my daughter can have a father for just one week… Another reason I tried to help him in the past few years may sound really far-out but the truth is I have been in love with an ex-boyfriend who is also an alcoholic. He left me and in some weird freaky nonsense way, my trying to help my daughter’s father was about not having been able to help the man I was in love with. It is like you wanted a fancy car when you were 20 but had no money and now you can afford it so you buy one similar. I couldn’t help the other man and it some way helping my daughter’s father was, in some tiny way, a way to help that other person. Strange, but true.

IA: When does it stop?

JANICE: I’m NOT going to take him to detox or rehab anymore. I’ve finally drawn the line. It took me decades to. I’m setting boundaries. I won’t take care of him more than I’ll take care of myself anymore. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t.

IA: What advise do you have for others who are affected long after the alcoholic or addict is gone and out of their life, but not really?

JANICE: For mothers and/or father whose child’s co-parent is an addict, look at visitation. I now realize I should have NEVER allowed my daughter to see him alone. PLEASE consider supervised visitation. Educate yourself. It’s hard to see the alcoholic in the person you love. You have to hold people accountable. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them but don’t love them to death literally. Go get yourself help. I started going to counseling 10 years ago. I attended Al-Anon meetings. (Information about Al-Anon can be found in the back of this magazine in the resources pages.) Go to an open AA meeting. I went to an Al-Anon meeting every night for a year. You have to get yourself healthy before you can help anyone else.

Note: Janice is currently working on her first book about her experience and how she was and still is affected by someone else’s addiction. Her daughter has recently gotten engaged. Janice told us she would love to have her daughter walk down the aisle with her father- clean and sober. When asked if she thought her ex would ever get and stay sober, Janice said, “I hate to say it, but no.” Her ex-husband is currently homeless and was recently admitted to another detox. Please keep both in your prayers.